i hold back

i hold back my words..my thoughts
you wasn't willing to listen nor to understand. you think that everything happened, happened just for you.
you was attacking me there. whenever i tried to open my mouth you shut me, become more angry and start hurting me even more.
so i said nothing .. i did nothing and i watched.
"what do you want from me?"
what would i want from you?

you have this idea and you think i was enjoying it. the mature talk suddenly turned to  "let me give you a lesson in life" " what do you want from me" " you have to be nice with people" " you're going to bully her so i won't tell you" " you was smart that you stopped" and " karma will hit you"

you was judging me .. you did judge me biased on whatever "bullshits" others told you about me?
and most of them are anons .. well done .. just well done.

"you're friends were bullying me"
what? no now seriously .. seriously?

i said nothing .. you're not willing to listen anyway

i didn't talk to you about the girls who become friends with me just to know things about you
i didn't talk about them crushing my conversation with others asking me about you
i didn't talk about girls who teared my notebook just to keep me away from you
i didn't talk about girls asking about your nationality randomly calling you my emo friend
i didn't talk about people who faked their care just to bitch about you
i didn't talk about how many times i got into uneasy atmosphere or a fight just to shut them up
i didn't talk about how i tried to avoid you  just to stop all of this
i didn't talk about all these pings in the middle of the night just to ask about you
i didn't talk about how you're friends gave me this uneasy feeling by throwing their un sensitive words
i didn't talk about these who's faking their goodness to you but actually they're  who helped bullying you
i didn't talk about all of these
i didn't talk about and about and about ..

i never asked to know anything but people trust me somehow .. people talk to me

and i don't bully people


i was willing to tell but not after what you said .. not ever

you think i didn't know somehow that this is what's in your mind?
you think i was surprised by this?
you think i wasn't expecting this?

i knew it the moment i talked to you..but i still had hope that you won't believe

where's my surprise? you said you will surprise me?
i am still waiting for it


you wouldn't believe anyway .. so i said nothing


you don't know me .. this is not you're fault
you're fault is you didn't try to know me

i was the one who came to you .. everybody sow that .. so how come .. you know what.. never mind

why didn't you talk to me?
" cause i don't care"
if you don't care why you're telling me this and treating me on it
"...."

and no, i didn't talk about you .. i didn't mention you to anybody
i didn't say that i like you
i didn't say that you're after me
i didn't say that there's something between you and me

all of what has been told to you was told to me .. and i still gave you a chance
i wanted to know you for who you are

and i tried to treat you the way i treat my friends

i do admit it .. i disrespected you kinda intentionally to push you into taking out all what's inside your head
cause i felt that it was bothering you and that its in the way ..

i didn't mean to hurt you .. am sorry
i would hurt myself before hurting you..

i talked to you again and again and again .. i kept trying

but i reached my limits .. "what do you want from me"

i don't want anything from anyone .. i never wanted .. i never asked

it just happened that for some reason i care about you're happiness .. and i still don't know why

hope you feel better .. hope you're sleeping well in night
oh .. thank you for the hug .. it was nice of you

.. and more i didn't mention