i shouldn't

tell this day and this moment i always worked hard to leave a good impact in this world. i always wanted people to remember me and smile, to leave something great that would hold my name.
i think of this and it hit me .. what i was thinking about all this time.

the best impact you can leave is not to leave anything

if you can die without harming\changing or destroying anything then you already leaved something. Human is the stupidest race you can deal with in this world. They destroy anything they clam to care about including themselves. therefore, at this moment am very convinced that when i die i have to somehow leave nothing after me ..
no books, paints, gadgets, blogs .. and feelings

i don't want people to remember me .. i want somehow to clear their memories and for me not to exists.

if i can leave and take with me all the destruction and harm i caused for people and earth during  these years then i happily made my impact.

no one would notice, no one would care
i would leave peacefully purely .. just how i came ..  

there's this thing about me

so i just realized that whenever i try to start to conversation i make myself look stupid
and now that i think about it..its rude

i mean am laughing inside..am rude

even thu i don't tell anyone that i know what am asking about but sometimes others around me know that i know what am asking about..i don't mean to do this..to be rude i mean

am sorry .. i will try not to do it again :(

am such a horrible person 

i hold back

i hold back my words..my thoughts
you wasn't willing to listen nor to understand. you think that everything happened, happened just for you.
you was attacking me there. whenever i tried to open my mouth you shut me, become more angry and start hurting me even more.
so i said nothing .. i did nothing and i watched.
"what do you want from me?"
what would i want from you?

you have this idea and you think i was enjoying it. the mature talk suddenly turned to  "let me give you a lesson in life" " what do you want from me" " you have to be nice with people" " you're going to bully her so i won't tell you" " you was smart that you stopped" and " karma will hit you"

you was judging me .. you did judge me biased on whatever "bullshits" others told you about me?
and most of them are anons .. well done .. just well done.

"you're friends were bullying me"
what? no now seriously .. seriously?

i said nothing .. you're not willing to listen anyway

i didn't talk to you about the girls who become friends with me just to know things about you
i didn't talk about them crushing my conversation with others asking me about you
i didn't talk about girls who teared my notebook just to keep me away from you
i didn't talk about girls asking about your nationality randomly calling you my emo friend
i didn't talk about people who faked their care just to bitch about you
i didn't talk about how many times i got into uneasy atmosphere or a fight just to shut them up
i didn't talk about how i tried to avoid you  just to stop all of this
i didn't talk about all these pings in the middle of the night just to ask about you
i didn't talk about how you're friends gave me this uneasy feeling by throwing their un sensitive words
i didn't talk about these who's faking their goodness to you but actually they're  who helped bullying you
i didn't talk about all of these
i didn't talk about and about and about ..

i never asked to know anything but people trust me somehow .. people talk to me

and i don't bully people


i was willing to tell but not after what you said .. not ever

you think i didn't know somehow that this is what's in your mind?
you think i was surprised by this?
you think i wasn't expecting this?

i knew it the moment i talked to you..but i still had hope that you won't believe

where's my surprise? you said you will surprise me?
i am still waiting for it


you wouldn't believe anyway .. so i said nothing


you don't know me .. this is not you're fault
you're fault is you didn't try to know me

i was the one who came to you .. everybody sow that .. so how come .. you know what.. never mind

why didn't you talk to me?
" cause i don't care"
if you don't care why you're telling me this and treating me on it
"...."

and no, i didn't talk about you .. i didn't mention you to anybody
i didn't say that i like you
i didn't say that you're after me
i didn't say that there's something between you and me

all of what has been told to you was told to me .. and i still gave you a chance
i wanted to know you for who you are

and i tried to treat you the way i treat my friends

i do admit it .. i disrespected you kinda intentionally to push you into taking out all what's inside your head
cause i felt that it was bothering you and that its in the way ..

i didn't mean to hurt you .. am sorry
i would hurt myself before hurting you..

i talked to you again and again and again .. i kept trying

but i reached my limits .. "what do you want from me"

i don't want anything from anyone .. i never wanted .. i never asked

it just happened that for some reason i care about you're happiness .. and i still don't know why

hope you feel better .. hope you're sleeping well in night
oh .. thank you for the hug .. it was nice of you

.. and more i didn't mention

take what you get and don't ask for more

am sure that there are a lot of people out there who deserve being trusted. But for some reason i always fail to attract such people or let's say to find them.
surely there are few around me do worth being trusted and am blessed to have them in my life but .. still

troubles start whenever someone start to dig my past or even my relationships from outside my uni or the environment that this person know me from.

the thing is don't  (period )

take whatever i gave .. ask if you want i might answer  might not .. but never and i mean never start stalking me then ask for trust.

usually,i don't like linking people that i know from different pleases with each others except if am comfortable around them and want them to be one group .. i trust them

if i didn't then back off .. stay away .. take what i give or accept me giving you nothing.

and the other thing is .. am not stupid my friend
  

but you can feel it

i was talking once with this girl and she told me that she don't believe that love exist .. cause she get hurt by it
and she don't believe it's there anymore cause she can't see it.
i told her what about the wind? she said no i can feel the wind it's there touching my body, hitting my face.she said it's different.
i smiled .. she can't see both love and winds but she do believe that wind exist but love dose't thou she did feel pain by love. . isn't it the same?

you only felt the touch of the wind on your face and you only felt the pain that love caused .. how come it doesn't exist?

but i said nothing .. i only smiled

Life Fan Fiction

Going through my old phone, a walk down memory lane

vegans for a week

good morning e_e

so, am early again.
i really truly need to sleep especially that i don't feel that good these days but well .. whatever.

  i can't really stay home cause these days the moment i enter the house mom keep asking me to watch the kids and i really don't have the energy to do so.

anyway, so i decided to become to vegan for a week. i was watching this videos about the row diet and vegans and stuff .. i wanted to try it myself and see what it's really like.

yesterday was day one .. it was hard to give up my milk T_T but anyway everything was good .. tell now

i think the only problem is that i don't have that much time to think about my eating choices tho there's a lot to eat.

right now am in the library trying to get my stuff done. hope i will finish something before 10 \: